Found these whilst browsing the net.
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Three men are sitting at a bar and talking about the last birthday present that they got for their wives. The first one says, "I bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in 6 seconds!" The other two ask him what he got her. "I got her a Porsche. And she's never been happier in her life." The next guy says, "I know what you mean. I bought MY wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! -and she's on cloud nine!" "That could only be a Ferrari," the other two say. "And what did you give your wife for her birthday?," they ask the third. "Now, I don't want to brag, but I bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 200 in 2 seconds." "No way," say the other two, "That's way faster than the Ferrari and the Ferrari's the fastest thing there is!" "Nope." the other man says, I got my wife something faster. but the funny thing is that she's really not all that happy about the fact that it goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds." "Wow." one of the men said, "That's hard to believe. What did you bought her? I bought her a SCALE (weighing machine........................................................
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. She had to work that day, so she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ." "Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he's ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!" Some men just don't listen!
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