How To Fix The Economy

Dear Mr. Darling,

Please find below my suggestion for fixing Britain's economy. Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan :

There are about 20 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them £1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Twenty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new British CAR. Twenty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.

4) They must send their kids to school / college /university - Crime rate fixed

5) Buy £50 of alcohol / tobacco a week there's your money back in duty / tax etc

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back there falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.

If you think this would work, please send this to everyone you know

3 Minute Management Course

Hi all

Some lessons to be learned (some old but still good and some new to me)

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh

is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up,

you will find glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity




Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say


Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure,why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up !




Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

BullS*** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there !





Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate... Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the 3-minute management course

Dog or Hen

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He
gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed.

'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'

'The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter!' .

'Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!!

That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family.

You've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.

We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house,

he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around,

pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feelingwelling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,'So you're the new hen.

How are you enjoying your first day here?'

''It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside,

like I'm about to explode.

''You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg

before.

''Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen', the rooster reassured him.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out

from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions

got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he

knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him .
. . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous

smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've sh!t the bed!!'

Todays Lesson

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

Mario a little bit worse for wear

Mario off his head, in the world of grand theft auto. Pure Genius

More Teeside Tinhead....enjoy!

http://www.dubtoons.com

Favorite Food Joke

An elderly man lay dying on his bed. While suffering the agonies ofimpending death, he suddenly smelt the aroma of his favourite cheesesconeswafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and,with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, hecrawleddownstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into thekitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already inheaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table,weredozens of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixtyyears,seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landingonhis knees in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips parted.
He could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth,seeminglybringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone attheedge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula byhiswife...
F**k off" She said, "They're for the funeral"

Now I Believe In Karma - What A Sunday Night

This is about one of those weird moments that happens very rarely but here it goes......

I was up in London for the weekend to go to a mates party, get trashed then come back to Brighton. My train to Brighton was from London Victoria so to travel from North London I had to purchase a one day travelcard for the tube

Once I had arrived at London Victoria I had no use for the day travelcard I had previously purchased, so I offered it to a bypasser as a kind gesture ....Karma Begins

Whilst walking towards the platform I was getting my train from, I bumped into a good friend from University very randomly, so we got on the train I had a can of one of his cheap beers and talked as you do about football, whats been going on in each of our lives lately.

It was at this point we kept getting repeatedly interrupted by a New Zealand fella who introduced himself as Santana....to cut long story short

We arrived at Brighton ready to go home when the guy Santana was insistence we go for a beer with him, being students and being broke I cudnt be asked, I just wanted to get home and chill out. The dude was prepared to buy us a beer to hangout with him as he was a tourist.. so what the hell we went along with it and went to the nearest pub.

and 5 pints later we were very merry...the new recruit was funding this drinkup how many times does this happen, it was definately Karma. I gave someone my still in use tube ticket, I received 5 free pints in a pub that evening from a stranger i met on the train.

Ok I have been watching way too much my name is earl

Started the week with Gerrards Slip lets all laugh at Rafa

'Great tricks Rafa'

Im in a humourous mood so laugh at these........

Found these whilst browsing the net.

...................................................

Three men are sitting at a bar and talking about the last birthday present that they got for their wives. The first one says, "I bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in 6 seconds!" The other two ask him what he got her. "I got her a Porsche. And she's never been happier in her life." The next guy says, "I know what you mean. I bought MY wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! -and she's on cloud nine!" "That could only be a Ferrari," the other two say. "And what did you give your wife for her birthday?," they ask the third. "Now, I don't want to brag, but I bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 200 in 2 seconds." "No way," say the other two, "That's way faster than the Ferrari and the Ferrari's the fastest thing there is!" "Nope." the other man says, I got my wife something faster. but the funny thing is that she's really not all that happy about the fact that it goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds." "Wow." one of the men said, "That's hard to believe. What did you bought her? I bought her a SCALE (weighing machine........................................................

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. She had to work that day, so she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ." "Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he's ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!" Some men just don't listen!

Public Service Announcement

Tesco Condoms

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store.As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.She asked, 'What size condoms?'The customer replied that he didn't know.She asked him to drop his trousers.He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over The intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5'The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most Of us was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.She asked him to drop his trousers.He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Till 5.'A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers and he did.She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up The Intercom and said...
'Mop and bucket, Till 5'

Face Morpher - It Really Works

http://morph.cs.st-andrews.ac.uk/Transformer/

This site has given me and my friends a lot of laughter when just dossing about on the net.

Created by the guys at St.Andrews University, you upload an image of yourself, select your age rage, gender, and face type.

Once submitted you can select between a variety of options, such as what you would look like as a golden oldie, or even a chimp.

Now all you have to do is go through all those tagged pictures on facebook, transform images of your friends and tag them back on facebook